Hear Ye! Since 1998.

All 133 Posts in the Category: Humour

4
Nov 11
Fri

Triumph visits Occupy Wall Street

Triumph the insult comic dog visits Wall Street. Hilarity ensues:

  11:53pm  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
5
Jul 10
Mon

Ninja, wat?

  9:31pm  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
16
Jun 10
Wed

Real-life Portal Gun

Incidentally, Portal 2 was just showcased at E3. And the WCC appears to be back.

Here’s the gameplay video for Portal 2.

  10:05pm  •  Computing  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
14
Jun 10
Mon

What did the five fingers say to the face?

In lieu of anything intelligent to say, I present to you this cat video:

Post title context.

  7:15pm  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
22
Apr 10
Thu

Global phone survey

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
7. In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Thanks Mr Rivercrab.

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9
Mar 10
Tue
22
Feb 10
Mon
30
Dec 09
Wed

Haha

Bonus link here.

  8:56pm  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
10
Dec 09
Thu

Unusual citations

These are all legitimate, published journal articles:

  • Annette Kuhn, “Adverse events of injectables, what kind of jet-skiers should be informed about serious vaginal injury, and what Kant thinks about it”, 19(8) International Urogynecology Journal (August 2008)
  • M├írcio Martins Pimentel & Reinhardt Adolfo Fuck, “Neoproterozoic crustal accretion in central Brazil”, 20(4) Geology 375-9 (April 1992)
  • Wilhelm Fucks, “On Mathematical Analysis of Style”, 39(1-2) Biometrika 122-9 (1952)

Yes, Professor Reinhart Adolfo Fuck is a real person.

  11:14pm  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
24
May 09
Sun

Four actors who will always be typecast…

… because you can’t help but crack up the moment their face appears on screen.


1. It’s Harold! Or, “Milf Guy #2″! (John Cho)


2. It’s Kumar! (Kal Penn)


3. It’s Stifler! (Sean William Scott)


4. It’s miscellaneous fat black comic relief guy! (Anthony Anderson)

  11:04pm (GMT -7.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
5
May 09
Tue

Oh come on now…

Amusingly there are more people following that user than are being followed by it


  7:42pm (GMT -7.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
1
Jun 05
Wed

Too early?

Ivan has some respect, but I have no such compunctions. I present to you, Monopoly: Indonesian edition.

4
Mar 05
Fri

New GTA Game

Rockstar Games is releasing a new Grand Theft Auto game. (Ok, so it may be in bad taste, but it’s nonetheless amusing.)

  9:50pm (GMT +11.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Comments (3)  • 
8
Jun 04
Tue

Joke

I’m currently doing a take-home exam for Constitutional Law which happens to be partially on the implied freedom of political communication. I thought it was pretty apt then, that I got this in the email from Jack:

A lobbyist on his way home from work in Canberra traffic comes to a dead halt in a long line of banked up traffic, and thinks to himself “Wow, this seems worse than usual.”

He notices a cop walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, “Officer, what’s the hold-up?”

The cop replies, “The Prime Minister is depressed with the way opinion polls are going, so he stopped his limo and is sitting in the middle of the road threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends, or that he won’t retire half way through his next term to let Peter Costello in. So we’re taking up a collection for him.”

The lobbyist asks, “How much have you got so far?”

The officer replies, “About 20 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning.”

  7:35pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Comments (1)  • 
23
Sep 03
Tue

Hahahah

Hey, I found Nemo! (opens in new window). Thanks Vic.

And Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting… Ray Charles! (I probably found this more hilarious than is… acceptable.)

28
Aug 03
Thu

Neo-Fascists?

An amusing anecdote with a run in with some neo-Nazis in the 70s.

  6:35pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
5
Aug 03
Tue

Bond

James Bond is a stylish hero you know. Whenever people ask him of his name, he answers in his own branded style – “Bond, James Bond”.

Last year Bond came to Bangladesh for a quick visit. In Noakhali Swimming Complex, he met Pasha.

Pasha asked: Hey, what’s your name?
James Bond replied: Bond. James Bond.
Then Bond asked Pasha the same: And what’s yours?
Pasha replied:
Pasha
Choudhury Pasha
Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Mohammad Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Kalam Mohammad Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha
Abul Kalam Mohammad Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha.

From that day on, whenever people ask Bond of his name, he simply replies James Bond.

8
Jul 03
Tue

Bike Ad

My cousin bought a ‘bike recently. Here’s an advert for it (3.3MB), it’s pretty funny.

3
Jun 03
Tue

There, There, Pete

The PM gives the Treasurer some consolation after announcing that he’s not giving up the top job.

16
Mar 03
Sun

Konfusing

The deficiencies of the English language have long been recognised, and now the EU is doing something about it. :)

European Union Announcement
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, it was conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro English (Euro for short).

In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k.” Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing”th” by “z” and “W” by “V”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Thanks Gior. Update from Vic: “that post about spelling is a plagiarism from the Wilson Pudd’nhead Calendar (sp? or some such …) by Mark Twain – give credit where due and all that =P”

24
Feb 03
Mon

Spot the Wife

Spot the Wife

Ok, very non-PC, but thanks to Kev.

13
Feb 03
Thu
8
Jan 03
Wed

Oops

An actual child’s letter hanging up in a pre-school. Thanks Kev!

29
Nov 02
Fri

LOTR: The Ringbearer

The council meets at Rivendell to find the ring in a very, shall we say, unusual position. You really gotta download this. (2.5mb .wmv file) It’s a hidden feature on the LOTR DVD.

  10:53pm (GMT +11.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
27
Nov 02
Wed

If you’re Dubya and you know it…

Sing this song to the tune of: “If You’re Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands”

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.

If the corporate scandals growin’, bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin’, bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain’t smokin’
We don’t care, and we’re not jokin’.
That Saddam will soon be croakin’,
Bomb Iraq.

Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let’s look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.

So here’s one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It’s the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

Thanks Shaf! Haha!

29
Oct 02
Tue

Joke

Dear Deidre,

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee’s mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred… then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation.

I headed straight out the front door… There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Deidre, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their “little test” was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Thanks Kev!

The Mother of All Research Publication Rejections

In the theme of research:

The Financial Times has quoted the “mother of all rejection slips,” translated from a Chinese economic journal. It goes like this:

We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were to publish your paper, it would be impossible for us to publish any work of lower standard. And as it is unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see its equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to return your divine composition, and to beg you a thousand times to overlook our short sight and timidity.

24
Sep 02
Tue

UN Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the U.N. last month. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was not a success.

In Africa they didn’t know what ‘food’ meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what ‘honest’ meant.
In Western Europe they didn’t know what ‘shortage’ meant.
In China they didn’t know what ‘opinion’ meant.
In the Middle East they didn’t know what ‘solution’ meant.
In South America they didn’t know what ‘please’ meant.
And in the U.S.A. they didn’t know what ‘the rest of the world’ meant.

Thanks Kev.

26
Aug 02
Mon
8
Aug 02
Thu

Joke

A young blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says, “Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! That’s good innit?”

“Yes darling, very good.”
“Is that because I’m blonde?”
“Yes darling, it’s because you’re blonde.”

Next day, the girl comes back from school and says, “Mummy, today at school we learned the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! That’s good, innit?”
“Yes darling, very good.”
“Is that because I’m blonde, mummy?”
“Yes darling it’s because you’re blonde.”

Next day, she returns from school and cries “Mummy, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!”
She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D at her mum. “Is that because I’m blonde, mummy?”

“No darling, it’s because you’re 25.”

Thanks Kev.

31
Jul 02
Wed

Another Joke

John and Ted are playing golf. On the 3rd hole they catch up to a couple of women playing sloooooow. John decides to go up and ask if he and Ted can play through. He gets 1/2 way there, turns around, and comes back.

“What’s the matter?” Ted asks.
“I can’t ask them. It’s my wife AND girlfriend. You go do it.” replies John.
So Ted walks towards the ladies, gets 1/2 way there, turns around, and comes back.
“Now what’s the matter?” says John
“Small world,” he replies.

Joke

One fine day on an Indian reservation, a young man went to see his father.
“Father,” he said, “how did my younger brother, Wild Horse, get his name?”
“Well, my son,” the young man’s father replied, “when your younger brother was born, I looked outside our teepee, and the first thing I saw was a wild horse, and so I named your younger brother after it.”
The young man continued, “Father, how did my sister, Running Water, get her name?”
His father sighed, “I remember it well. When your sister was born, I looked outside our teepee and saw a flowing river, and so I named your sister after it.”
“Father,” the young man began, “how did-“
“Wait,” the old chief interrupted. “Why do you ask these questions, Broken Rubber?”

Headache!

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who
was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.
My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She’s my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

20
Jun 02
Thu

Joke

Thanks Dac for this e-mail forward entitled, “Shake it, don’t break it.”

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, aged 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in the conversation,
Howard turn to Mildred and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”

She asks, “What?” and he replies, “SEX.”

Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”
“I know”, Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while”.
“Well, I can oblige”, says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard’s manhood.

Then one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard’s manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don’t have”?

Howard smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s”.

19
Jun 02
Wed

Below the Belt

I’ve heard about having to be aggressive and going for the ball, but this is just too much. Yellow cards for shirt pulling, what about shorts pulling? heh

  8:13pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
7
Jun 02
Fri

Joke

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place and, as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor; cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher; and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him… they kiss… and then they rip each other’s clothes off and go to bed.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together afterwards; the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “How was it for you?”

The man says, “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”

9
Apr 02
Tue

Hacked?

Once in a while, some poor sod cops a deltree c:\ /y.

  7:46pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
13
Mar 02
Wed

Unconfirmed reports from Ferrari F1 Team…

The Ferrari F1 Team recently fired the whole Pit-Crew to employ some young unemployed youths from the Bankstown – Marrickville Area. The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youth in the Bankstown – Lakemba area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 sec without proper equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won & lost in the pits these days & Ferrari would have an advantage. However Ferrari soon encountered a major problem not only were “da boyz” changing the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 sec they had resprayed, rebirthed
and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team.

Thanks Pete!

  11:24pm (GMT +11.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
23
Jan 02
Wed

Kiwi outrage over SMH opinion article, “Lord of the Rungs: so that’s a fulm about modern times, eh?” Bloody hilarious, all of it. {src: Natter}

15
Jan 02
Tue

Corporate Policy

A Scientific Experiment that Demonstrates Corporate
Attitudinal Development.

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the
cage, hang a banana on a string, and place a set of
stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the
stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon
as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other
monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey
makes an attempt with the same result, all the other
monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when
another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other
monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from
the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey
sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his
surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack
him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that
if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and
replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the
stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes
part in the punishment with enthusiasm!

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new
one, then a fourth, and then the fifth. Every time the
newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea
why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or
why they are participating in the beating of the
newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the
remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold
water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches
the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as
far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done
around here.

And that, my dear friends, is how company policy begins.

Thanks Pro!

13
Dec 01
Thu

A Christmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the flat
The techno was blaring, ’twas too loud to chat
The rizlas were perched on the table with care
And smoke full of chemicals soon filled the air
We’d just been out clubbing, I truly was trashed
My friends were all here and equally mashed
We’d popped a few pills and we’d had a quick sniff
And just settled down to a nice tasty spliff
When out on the balcony rose such a clatter
We looked slowly up to see what was the matter
I got to my feet and I swayed to the door
And only occasionally fell on the floor

I peered through the glass as I took a long puff
The land glistened softly with rubbish and stuff
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
But a fat man in red and a team of reindeer
He yelled and he ranted, gave each one a kick
I knew in a second it must be Saint Nick
He shrieked at each Reindeer and cursed them alike
“Fuck you!” yelled Rudolph “we’re going on strike!”
The reindeer did turn and soar into the sky
And Santa growled something that wasn’t goodbye
I watched as they went in a puff of pink smoke
And vowed from now on to stay off of the coke
As debris did settle St Nick turned around
He swore as he angrily kicked at the ground
He gave me a gesture that clearly implied
He’d be very pleased if I let him inside

I threw the doors open and ushered him in
Invited him through with a welcoming grin
“So where are our presents?” my smashed flatmate cried
With a look of astonishment, Santa replied;
“You seriously think you might be on my list?
You’ve got to be kidding, you’re taking the piss!
Have you lot considered your actions this year?
Stop being stupid and get me a beer.”
He opened a tooheys, but still looked depressed
We asked him to tell us what made him so stressed
“My reindeer have left me” he said with a sigh
“Unless I have reindeer I’ve no way to fly!”
“Now look here” I told him “we may not know much
We don’t help old ladies, kiss babies and such,
But Santa, there’s no need for you to despair
We know how to get you back up in the air!”

I chopped up a line with precision and skill
And rolled him up neatly a $20 bill
His face lit up quickly with real Christmas cheer
“Perhaps you kids WILL get some presents this year!”
He spoke not a word but got straight to his mission
He snorted that line with wholehearted ambition
Then Santa skinned up and he smiled as he puffed
We knew that our stockings this year would be stuffed
He sprang to the balcony, leapt from the railing
Soared to the sky with his present-sack trailing
I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

9
Dec 01
Sun

Joke

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her,” and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.” She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.”

Thanks Nick, via Bitlist.

6
Dec 01
Thu

Is your son a computer hacker? {src: usr/bin/girl}
The article is funny. But even funnier and more disturbing are the comments of 100 enraged nerds (see below the article) whose grasp of English is so poor that they are not able distinguish between what is clearly satire and reality. I mean it’s obviously written by someone who knows about computer culture, and has taken every opportunity to send it up, but in a semi-formal level of language. Anyway, here’s one example response to the article:

You are the most ignorant FUCK i have ever heard of. If you knew ANYTHING about computers you wouldn’t even try to say this shit. Comet Cursor for hacking? LMFAO!! LOL!!! Jesus Man you are such an ignorant fuck its not even funny. I couldn’t stop laughing for like ten minutes my god. You are the stupidest person on Earth.

He sorta shoots himself in the foot with that last sentence. Those people are very sad individuals…

28
Nov 01
Wed

Joke

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interupt this “Chinese customs”, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interupt another “Chinese custom”, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow’s bum. The Aussie bloke can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says “What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today,you have your head so close
to that cow’s bum, it could just about shit on you.”

The Chinese man is very taken back and says “Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren’t Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs.”
“What do you mean mate” says the Aussie, “Those aren’t Australian customs.”

“Yes they are”, replied the Chinese man, “for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit.”

25
Nov 01
Sun

Joke

A Kiwi was sitting with an Australian and a Malaysian in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death, but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. As it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

So the Malaysian guy thought for a while and then said: “Please be tying a pillow to my back.” This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.

The Kiwi, watching the scene, said: “Please fix two pillows on my back”. But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again.

Before The Australian could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
“As you are from a popular country, and your rugby team are terrific, and your
women beautiful you can have two wishes!”.

“Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness”, The Australian replies. “My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes.”

“If you so desire”, the Sheik replies with a questioning look on his face, “and your second wish?”

“Tie the Kiwi to my back,” the Aussie answers.

17
Nov 01
Sat
16
Nov 01
Fri

Bank Notes

Bank notes of Belorussia: 3 and 10 rubles. Most countries put famous people on their money, Belorussia decided to put animals. There’s a very special way to fold two notes

31
Oct 01
Wed
29
Oct 01
Mon

It was only a matter of time

It’s one whole page on the Tourist Guy! Man, he’s even been (legitimately) in Time Magazine, he’s world famous!

14
Aug 01
Tue
14
May 01
Mon

Women Drivers

Look at this. And they get lower insurance premiums… pfft.

  10:00pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
11
Apr 01
Wed

Wass’n Me

No, not Shaggy, but Eddie in the 80s (mp3 clip).

Job Wanted

Look at this job ad. Wouldn’t that line look cool under the “past work experience” category of a resume?!

13
Mar 01
Tue

Hahaha

Got this in the e-mail recently from Kyle:

This is what makes me very proud to be Australian, brilliant, but simple ideas like this! The beer bitch, what a truly fantastic concept, and one that is sure to be nominated for a Nobel prize. A few red blooded Aussie boys went to the Brisbane test to watch Oz vs WI a couple of weeks ago. They decided that it would be too good a game to waste lining up in queues for food / beer etc, so they contacted a local escort agency and hired a beer wench for the day (4hrs @ $50/hr).

The request was for a girl with big tits to come to the cricket in skimpy gear, and be on call to go fetch food or drink as required during the days play.

1
Dec 00
Fri
13
Nov 00
Mon
2
Nov 00
Thu

Hahahah

This is hilarious. Thanks Tama!

  6:50pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
29
Oct 00
Sun
24
Oct 00
Tue

Stranger than Fiction

Thanks Vic…

This is from an actual trial in the UK. A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated onaccount of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins”, then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments remove swelling”. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read “William’s Stick Did The Trick”. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.”

The case was dismissed.

  6:40pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
16
Oct 00
Mon
11
Oct 00
Wed

Joke

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses.  One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.

The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”

Thanks Vic!

  6:00pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 

More Jokes

Just some Post-Olympic humour that’s being going around via e-mail:

1. The famous flaming ass pic (thanks Fuzz)
2. Signs you’re suffering from Olympic burnout (thanks Kyle)
3. Now that the Olympics are over… (thanks Pete)

  6:00pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
7
Sep 00
Thu

Phone Directory Ad

Heheh… Thanks Kev.

This is an advertisement out of a phone book in the US. This was in the yellow pages….. until they realized that if you turned it upside down and  covered her head and the hand holding the glass, all was not as it seemed. The telephone company has now taken this ad out because of the content but we found it for everyone to see. Take a look at the first picture, then look at it upside down, putting your hand over her face and the glass and see what you get. [Click here]

4
Sep 00
Mon

Aussie Joke

At the 1997 World Women’s Conference the first speaker from England stood up: “At last years’ conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.” The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: “After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but my washing as well.” The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up: “After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing.  After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”

19
Jul 00
Wed

Case Mods

Modding your case with real power tools :). Shotgun included. Thanks Andrew!

5
Jul 00
Wed
3
Jul 00
Mon

Haha!

telnet://interniq.org:6969/. Thanks Tama! (Sometimes you gotta wonder where people find these things :)

1
Jul 00
Sat

True. True.

What it will be like to travel on Sydney trains during the Olympics.

  8:00pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
27
Jun 00
Tue

Joke

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um…no.” “–or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, “–or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: “–so if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?”

  7:00pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
23
Jun 00
Fri

Mouse With a Difference

This picture will be funny to about half the population on this planet :) Thanks Vic.

22
May 00
Mon

Joke

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

Hehe.

14
May 00
Sun

Overheard

Well, I thought this was amusing.
Person 1: “You mean, you can have more than one browser window open at a time?”
Person 2: “Yes, when you’re power browsing it’s usual to have 2 or even 3 windows open at once.”

8
May 00
Mon

$1 Handsfree Mobile Phone Kit

Bargain!!! (Thanks Pete)

Hi, I am now helping my friend in selling mobilephones products and would like your support, especially those with handphones.

He is selling a New French product, a handsfree mobile kit that is universal for most of our market’s models. Cost only 149FRS…converted to AUD is roughly $1.00 each. Models compatible : all models of Nokia, Ericsson, Motorola,Siemens, Samsung, Sony.

For those who want to retail, there will be a special discount for big lots.

Please see picture for details…

4
May 00
Thu
1
May 00
Mon

One Big Happy Family

You’ve seen it before. You’ll come across a page where someone has put up their pic. And they’ll have such a rude head that you just can’t help but burst out laughing. What if these people all lived in one family? Shocking. Shockingly funny :). Thanks Gavern.

  11:00pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
18
Apr 00
Tue

Hahahaha!

Soccer players get amorous. Thanks Pete :)

  11:00pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
13
Apr 00
Thu

Joke

Pimped from Shaf :) Thanks.

A sorority girl went to the doctor for a routine check-up. The doctor asked her to take off her shirt for a breast exam. When she did, there was a big letter T across her chest.  The doctor exclaimed, “What the heck is that?”

The woman replied, “My boyfriend plays for Tennessee and doesn’t like to take his shirt off during sex.”

“Oh, I see,” the doctor said.

The next week another sorority girl came in and had a big P across her chest.  The doctor said, “What the heck is that?”

She said, “My boyfriend plays for Pittsburgh and doesn’t like to take his shirt off during sex.”

“Oh, I see,” the doctor said.

The next day, another sorority girl came in and had a big W across her chest.  The doctor said, “Let me guess. Your boyfriend plays for Wisconsin, and doesn’t like to take his shirt off during sex.”

“No,” she said, “my girlfriend plays for Michigan!”

  11:00pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
7
Apr 00
Fri

Joke

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house.

“The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.”

4
Apr 00
Tue

Joke

For those in the Commonwealth countries:

The queen and the pope are standing on the balcony of Buckingham Palace in front of gathered thousands. Out of the side of her mouth the queen says to the pope, “I’ll bet you two Swiss Guards that with one small wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go mad with delight.”

“Ok,” whispers the pope, “This I want to see.” So the queen waves, and the crowd goes wild, nearly ripping their flags with joy.

The pope is impressed, but not to be outdone. “Alright”, he says to the queen out of the corner of his mouth, “I’ll bet you two Beefeaters that with one small nod of my head I can make every Australian person in the crowd go insane with adulation and celebrate for days.”

The queen is certain that she’s on to a winner here, so she whispers, “Go on then.”

So the Pope headbutts her.

  10:00pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
3
Apr 00
Mon

Priceless

Hand in a bucket of warm water gives this result

2
Apr 00
Sun

Conspiracy Generator

Something the conspiracy generator came up with (with apologies to Roosh :)

“The UFO sightings Down Under are actually mass hallucinations engineered by Doug to make TBA and other enemies of Roosh think they are not alone. In the ensuing paranoia, Roosh and Stile plan to patent the term “e/n”. If you see UFOs, close your eyes – it’s all a trick. Meanwhile, a special task force led by Inferno is being set up to tackle the problem.”

1
Apr 00
Sat

Airport Pranks

Side-splittingly funny. You’ll need Microsoft Word to view this file [half a meg].

  7:00pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
29
Mar 00
Wed

Top 10 Road Signs

Check out these road signs. Sometimes the mind boggles :).

16
Mar 00
Thu

Double Positives

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Thanks to Pete for that one!

1
Mar 00
Wed

You Kick My Dog!

“I’ve got an extremely funny wave file of an abusive phone call. The guy’s Indian, which makes it even more funnier.” Thanks Shaf :) It’s funny. Damn Right.

  10:40pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Comments (1)  • 
24
Feb 00
Thu

Pic

Hahahahah! And it’s Aussie, too! (I’m not sure whether that’s a good or bad thing)

  10:30pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
18
Feb 00
Fri

Cultural Exchange

Here’s a parody of Meredith Brook’s Bitch. It’s Chris Franklin’s Bloke [3.7MB]. Probably more specifically – your typical Aussie bloke :). Although it actually made the ARIA charts, it’s unlikely that it’ll make US charts (I could be surprised, however). This means that you Yanks and Canucks would be missing out, and we can’t have that can we?

I’m a labourer by day
I piss up all me pay
Watching footy on TV.
Just feed me more VB
Just pour my beer and get my smokes and go away

Link

Some funny pictures here.

7
Feb 00
Mon

*TWACK* That’ll teach you to chomp on my dick

What an absolute pearler. Not only did the ferret bite his penis, it shat all over the car. HAHAHA. Ribbing? Yeah I’ll bet he got a ribbing :) His mates’ll be paying him out every waking moment :) We don’t get many ferrets in Australia.

  11:55pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
5
Feb 00
Sat

Overheard on Listen

“He who insults Heidi Klum must die. She is perfection, she is a goddess, she is *spooge* unf… ugh… unh…”

  11:30pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
22
Jan 00
Sat

.SIG with a difference

This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, or no sense of humour. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that AlertNotice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes and add some nutmeg and egg whites. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing. Then notify me immediately by return email and eat the original message.

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15
Jan 00
Sat

How Fast Can You Run?

The perfect t-shirt to wear while running through a crowded shopping mall during Christmas shopping! (Thanks Ananda :)

Ruin Sorbees!

Shaf sent me this. It’s a cack.

16
Dec 99
Thu
7
Dec 99
Tue

How not to write a letter to Santa

Send this poem to Santa and no doubt he will shit down your chimney. No chimney? He can still do it through the keyhole.

  6:36pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
23
Nov 99
Tue

We’re Going Live Here And Sometime These Things Just Happen…

This well and truly cracked me up. (Melbourne is a major Australian city, for all you Yanks.)

This story occurred on Melbourne radio recently…
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week, the competition went like this:
Presenter: G’day it’s XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 – When was the last time you had sex ?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o’clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr …. about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can’t say that.
Presenter: There’s a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. … O.K. … On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room – much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We’ve got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we’re going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can’t say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn’t matter. I’ve already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. … About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That’s close enough … Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can’t say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There’s a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I’ve already told them so it doesn’t matter anyway … just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh …. alright …. Up the arse!

Radio Silence

Advert
Presenter
: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we’re going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We’ve given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we’ll take a music break.

  11:00pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
16
Nov 99
Tue
12
Nov 99
Fri

Olympic Tickets & Michael Knight

Got this ICQ’ed from a friend, about something Minister Knight allegedly said ;)

Hows this for michael knight being grilled: used the word alleging 3 times!

When asked if he knew of the 840,000 tickets set aside for the premium packages had come from the public ballot, Knight replied: “I’ve never been aware of what she’s (Chikarovski) alleging, because there’s no evidence that the allegation she’s alleging is true.”

Ahahaha. Do we smell fish?

  11:40pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
1
Nov 99
Mon

Minute Long ‘Novels’

Science Fiction/Fantasy Novels told in a minute. Sorta reminds me of those parodied movie scripts, only not so humourous.

28
Oct 99
Thu

Joke Time

Why does this remind me of a certain someone in this little community? :)

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and sweetly says:

“That excuse would not be acceptable. You can still write with your other hand.”

25
Sep 99
Sat

Hear hear!

Was this intentional? BMW doesn’t seem to like MS…

20
Sep 99
Mon

Wouldn’t We All?

Hahahaha… This pic offa Userfriendly.

  11:17pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
6
Jul 99
Tue

McDonnell Douglas Survey

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas web site by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) – and made the web department take it down immediately. (McDonnell Douglas is one of the world’s chief suppliers of military aircraft).

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen.[_] Comrade[_] Classified [_] Other
First Name:……………………………………………..
Initial: ……….
Last Name:………………………………………………
Password: ………………………….. (max 8 char)
Code Name:………………………………………………
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: …………. ……….. ……….

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19……. / ……./……

4. Serial Number:………………………………………..

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler’s check

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers’ lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future – as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
Pieter Kastelein
==================================

  11:45pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
3
Jul 99
Sat

Pic

“Although they restricted themselves to one drink at lunchtime, Howard and Tom still found they were not at their most productive in the afternoon.”

Link

Some corporate analogy joke thing

15
Jun 99
Tue

“Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter”

Thanks to Fuzzi who mailed this in:

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.   However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.  Places where there is darkness.  Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat.  Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.  If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.   When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

4
Jun 99
Fri

Sound File

This may make you shit yourself laughing. Download.

23
May 99
Sun

Firstly…

If you don’t get the joke, you’ve had a very, very deprived childhood:

*Gasp*

  6:50pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
18
May 99
Tue

HAH!

Picked up this African Name Generator link from GeekLife and promptly generated this:

Mah brothers... call me...

  10:33pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
10
May 99
Mon

How’s Your Eyesight?

Eh? Wot does it say?

Good thing to do with this… Send it to someone who’s working. They’ll have it stuck on their computer screen, and be squinting away at it. People walking by will look and laugh. Use it as wallpaper :). No idea what it says? Highlight —> Increase distance from screen until words are visible.

  10:40pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
23
Apr 99
Fri

Parrot Skit.

Download the file, fire up Real Audio and play it locally. It’s Monty Python’s classic Parrot Skit [640kB]. A little lacking due to no visuals, but still pretty funny.

15
Feb 99
Mon

Just when you thought it was over

Just one more, I promise. Thanks to Naud.

Today, Column 8 in the SMH

THE COLD of Canada gets to you … From Frank Passmore, “an expatriate Aussie now living in the frozen tundra wastelands of Vancouver”: “I feel I have corrected the Millennium Bug with little effort. By changing the days to Sundak, Mondak … Saturdak, and four months to Januark, Februark, Mak, and Julk, on my calendar for next year, I have therefore dealt with the Y to K problem.”

Groan. It doesn’t get any worse than this.

25
Jul 98
Sat

Joke

An Englishman, Irishman & Argentinian walk along a road, and kick over a lamp. Out pops a genie and it grants each of them a wish.

Irishman: “I am a fisherman, as are my son and grandson. I want the seas to be full of fish for all time.” His wish was granted.

Argentinian: “I love my country very much but am fed up with the whole world putting us down all the time. I want a wall around my country to keep them out.” His wish was granted.

Englishman: “This wall sounds interesting, tell me about it.”
Genie: “Well, it’s 50 feet thick and 150 feet tall, and nothing can get in or out.”
Englishman: “Fill it with water.”

  8:00pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
18
Jul 98
Sat

Updates

George Bush is parodied in the latest wave file to hit the humour page (nicked from EBG again :).

  10:47pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 
30
Jun 98
Tue

Joke

Two lawyers walking through the woods spot a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opens his briefcase, pulls out a pair of sneakers and starts putting them on. The second lawyer looks at him and says “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!” “I don’t have to”, the first lawyer replies. “I only have to outrun you”.

I like that one :)

11
Mar 98
Wed

Hahahahahaha

I got this off Shlonglor’s page, and I just had to put it in …

Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire

AP – Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton’s firm denial: “I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

“This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on.

“I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. Thank you.” Monica Lewinsky

  10:04pm (GMT +10.00)  •  Humour  •  Tweet This  •  Add a comment  • 


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